Why the struggle to forgive yourself is holding you back

Many people believe that full confidence comes when you have the svelte figure, the romantic relationship and fabulous career but they would be wrong. Full confidence comes when you have the capability to forgive yourself.

We have all done stupid things in our life that we are not proud of, it may have been getting completed rat-assed (drunk), dating someone who mistreated us, saying yes to an unhealthy risk we wouldn’t normally do but we really wanted to be accepted. These things may be considered the hardest things we have to forgive ourselves for but when it comes down to it all there are a few things that are more challenging than even these.

·         Forgiving yourself when you let others hurt you

·         Forgiving yourself when you let yourself down

·         Forgiving yourself for overreacting

·         Forgiving yourself for being nasty when it could have been completed prevented

·         Forgiving yourself for not valuing others enough and damaging a relationship

·         Forgiving yourself for pushing people away before you really knew the facts

·         Forgiving yourself for burning bridges that never needed to be burnt.

·         Forgiving yourself for giving up on someone who actually did care for you because you just didn’t know what to do with someone who actually cares.

These things cut deep because they make us look at who we are. It isn’t particularly comforting to know that when we feel confronted, scared, afraid, jealous, upset, disrespected, mystified that we react in ways that don’t serve us. It is these things I find people (including myself) struggle with the most. It is these things that we do that show ourselves just how confident we are in everyday situations.

We’ve all had teenage moments and been foolish, we’ve all taken risks that we didn’t like. We have even all overreacted at times, but we don’t all get stuck struggling to forgive ourselves. Forgiving ourselves allows us to move forward and to build bold confidence. Confidence is so important because it enables us to behave in a manner that is respectful to others.

So often people pass of overreactions to things happening in the heat of the moment but all of these things (listed above) are a reflection of the confidence level we have. Let me explain:

·         You don’t let others hurt you when you are confident

·         You don’t let yourself down when you are confident because you know your value

·         You don’t overreact (certainly not as much) because you know that it serves no purpose moving you forward

·         You aren’t nasty to others because you know what it’s like to be treated poorly & to lack the confidence to love who you are

·         You don’t devalue people because you understand the impact this has on others, so even if there is a differing point of view the relationship matters more, you know you are the other person are worth the same value

·         You don’t push people away unless they’ve overstepped their boundaries because you’ve asked the person directly for the facts

·         You don’t burn bridges because you know that opportunities come and go and everything is not always for you right now

·         You don’t give up on someone who cares for you because you understand that you honestly deserve someone who is going to treat you like royalty.

Make this mindset shift is difficult because once you have full confidence you can see those actions you made in the past & how you are now and some of those mistakes you made in your past you cannot fix so easily. I’ve often thought since my life changed in 2015 how vastly different my headspace is. I’m not threatened by people, I’m actually more threatened and fearful when I think of that woman who lacked the confidence to treat people properly. Now by no means was I a bully but I definitely had ‘runners syndrome’ (not a real syndrome, I just made it up!). I ran from situations, relationships that made me feel unhappy and confronted and often said nothing. Now I’m different, now I will voice my opinion, I will communicate that I’m not happy with being treated a particular way, often I don’t feel the sting of others comments because I know that is all about their level of self confidence and not mine. Life is far more peaceful. This is the reality of forgiveness.

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Forgiveness gives you peace. Forgiveness gives you the freedom to start over again. I know that I can’t change the times when I overreacted or did things in a less than desirable way but I know that I don’t want to do that again and I only ever want ‘runners syndrome’ from actual, physical running. You can give up the habits that make it hard for you to forgive yourself. You can gift yourself with peace, in turn you’ll gift yourself with confidence.

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Till next time,

Julia Trask

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